i dont know

Its not that im shovin it down their throat i dont even hardly talk to them about it but im to the point where i want to give up i wrote this in my testimony that i was going to say and i dont think im going to do it anymore cause im not in the right time anymore but im about ready to give up and this is what i wrote its like ive been this person for so long so how am i really going to change its so hard to do this when u feel like you're in it by yourself and i know that im not in it by myself all the way but this is like the hardest thing ive ever done. Im to the point where everything is finally getting completely layed out and i say to myself this isnt what i bargained for at all to the point where i want to give up but then u stop to look around at your surroundings and u turn the other directiopn about to go back and it says if u turn this way ull give the people u dont want the satisfaction and the people that do want to see u excell are disappointed and then ur disappointed in yourself then u turn around back the other direction and look but it says hard work but victory and glory in the long run. Then u keep going in the right direction and its going good then u run into ridicules, you can't do it, people tellin u its not right. Then u start to doubt it but u still keep goin and people r getin worried cause you're slippin from their grip into somthin better then they throw the hardest one at u so maybe just maybe youll came back they say well look at her she thinks you're gettin to good for your family and all these people care about you and you're just shuvin their face in the dirt like yah yallve hepled me but i dont care when thats not even the case at all and u still try to explain to them i have to find myself and they wont listen to that they say thats an excuse and u dont care and your screamin inside i just need u to understand and again your at a stand point which way do u go its becomin a choice your family that uve never really had and still want to try to make things better or this new life that your family is not even involved in and it takes u futher away from them and it hurts because they dont even know that u care so much because they wont listen. I think thats one of my down falls is that i care so much it almost makes me feel i wish i didnt have any feelings. i havent got any sleep so mind i like this big roller coaster but im tryin even though i just told jessica im gettin to where im not believeing anymore and she said dont start to tell me that and walked away see look at that im even screwin that part up to i guess theres not doubt about it anything i do i always screw everything up and i thought this time it was different but i guess i was wrong i guess i nedd somthin to show me that im doin right really if this is normal to have these feelings .