About Me

Dean, texas, United States
Im me i dont really know how to describe myself im just a person u have to get to know but i can give a few details.Im loud outgoing and loves to be center of attention. I just turned 18 on march 27 and on March 25, 2007 i recieved the Holy Ghost and got baptized which was the most amazing thing and feeling that has ever happened to me. Its really hard to explain the feeling its just one of those things u have to find out on your own but other than that thats about it.

Saturday, May 5, 2007

Don’t have a title

Who is this person everyone can see I thought I saw it but now I’m not sure
who is this person everyone can see
why are these people helping me telling me everything is going to be all right
sometimes I wander is this really real or am I just hallucinating me of all people could never have something like this
someone like me couldn’t have this gift people claim I have and if I do how come I cant see it
when I say like me who am I really
why does all this have to be so hard
someone told me something ill never forget (something amazing is going on and part of it is because of you)
how do you believe something like that especially if you’ve been a nobody you’re whole life or that person that someone comes to only when they don’t have anyone else even though that they aren’t even going to acknowledge you were even there for them the next day
how is it possible for someone like that to be able to affect people
how is it possible for someone to even want to listen to someone like that but according to everyone they don’t see that person
but the person I want the most to see what everyone sees she wont even attempt everyone is like give up on her its been like this for as long as you can remember she’s not never gonna change there’s no point in killing yourself over her but knowing me I’m to hard headed and I worry to much about everything before I worry about how its going to affect me and this time I cant give up cause it’ll give her the satisfaction she wants but not only that for once I don’t want to let myself down and also it’ll affect so many other people yall don’t understand how bad I just want to just curl up and give up but something is pulling at me something that has never been there before not letting me
I get so wrapped in my emotions and don’t know what to do
someone please tell me who this person is that everyone sees cause I cant see it all I see is this hateful person that doesn’t care about anyone not even herself tangled up in so much hatred, anger, frustration lost and scared don’t know what to do worried about what’s going to happen I don’t know what I’m doing don’t get me wrong I have my good days but for some reason stuff like this always comes back
I put my guard up I keep my knees bent and my hands up but for some reason they come down and its like uncontrollable and I know we’ve been told this its your choice but sometimes its not its really not
well ive got to go to bed its midnight and i have church in the morning

Friday, April 27, 2007

Somthing I wrote for english

This is somthing i had to write for english i was just wandering if its any good cause i really didnt know i could possibly write somthing like this but the assignment was to write a paragraph at least 7 lines long and describe a place and time that is meaningful, that carries emotional significance or a memory that you connect with an event or person, particulary a place in nature.

Its between 6:00 to 7:00 in the evening. The sunset is absolutly remarkable. The sky is a yellowish orange color. There's a nice little breeze blowing from the east just enough for it to be confortable. I go out to the back porch and sit on the swing with my spiral and pen. Thinking about what i want to write. While im siting there I look off into the distance, by now the sky has a purpleish tint to it. From where im siting the site is magnificent, you can see on forever. Sitin here it makes you appreciate the beautiful things in life. It makes you realize that theres is a place in the world that is peaceful no matter what you are going through. What makes this experience more amazing is when this certain someone comes out and sits next to you. When they come out they don't say a thing. Its like the evening sunset has the same affect on them as it does on you. Its the most amazing feeling ever. Its just one of those times that you dont want it to end.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007


emotion emotion runnin thru me
why do they exist just more things not to understand
why do i fell like this
never have i ever felt like this before and nobody knows but me
I dont understand
emotion emotion runnin tru me
can this be real
why is this happin to me
the person i want to see it doesnt
they look right thru me without a clue
emotion emotion runnin thru me
I guess this is the whole part of bein a teenager
this part is so hard to understand
i wish they could just see

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Well things have been crazy since ive gotten back from hyc. Everything is fallin down hill again well ithnik it was doin that before i left but newaz everything is fallin apart agian but at the same time its gettin better which is weird maybe its cause i can actually look at the future and look forward to it which is carzy cause right now it just looks like alot of hard work but i still have that feelin that somthin amazing is goin to happen and usually when somthin bad happens first theres allways somthin to counter act with it so it doesnt bring you down to terribly much which thats happenin right now but i have this fellin somthin EXTRODINARY is fixin to happen so we'll just have to just wait and see but we really do need to keep goin and nto give up. i didnt really get to say what i wanted to say cause Rebecca froze me up LOl but thats okay. I didnt really know ive made such an impact on people me of all people thats crazy this experience has been the best one ive ever had in my life and I REALLY DO THANK ALL OF YALL OFR YOUR SUPPORT CAUSE I COULDNT HAVE EVER DONE IT WITHOUT YALL I MEAN if yall werent there tellme everything wasnt gonna work out for the better it wouldve never happened casue i would be sitin here dwellin on it and fellin bad instead of doin somthin about it and now i can just turn and laugh about thats what i was tellin jessica earlier that i cant believe that im happy right now and not i a bad mood its crazy cause ive never done this before and its exciting.

Wednesday, April 4, 2007

late and had somthin to say

hey guys im so excited for hyc but who isnt. I really like the fact that yall actually talk to me because most people dont so all this is exciting for me. Im just kinda ready to grow up yall prolly would understand if yall knew and some of yall do. I just have this feelin pullin at me tellin me that i can help someone and make a difference in their life and ive never had that feelin before and even though i have people tellin me i cant do it and ill never amount to nothin and i get discouraged theres still somthin there tellin me dont give up cause youre not just given up on yourself youll be letin others down and thats whats keepin me motivated. but all i know is that im not quite stable yet but when i am i think i actually might be able to accomplish some incredible things and if and when i do me and jessica could like team up then some crazy things might happen but i dont know if she wpuld like to do that or not but somthins tellin me after this hyc trip im goin be different or somthin is gonna be and i know this prolly wont get read until after hyc so well see its kinda like a time capsule just to see how much youve gradually changed thats really what im tryin to do on my blog thingy is to see how much my thoughts have changed throughtout all of this but really i need yalls input on the bro bivens thing read the one right after this one if you havent and if you have spread the word because i still think if we do this somthin extrodoinary is going to happen so just let me jknow what yall think ive got to go to bed its like 11:53 pm so ttyl8r llllllllllllllooooooooooooooooooooooovvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeee yaaaaaaaaaallllll :>

Sunday, April 1, 2007

I finally have somthin good to say :) LOL

Man this past week has been the worst roller coaster ride ever but thats okaay ive learned alot from things this week. yah but this mornins service was awsome it covered alot of points thats been going on through out this week it hit them on full speed with out stoppin which is fantastic and samantha that is so awsome two people in row somthin good is fixin to happen i can feel it and i know that im new at this but i can feel it and i already know jessica can cause shes already established that but god is watchin over us big time but the way our youth group is goin we can make a difference all we have to do is try and im gonna put this up as strickly a suggestion comin from someone that was an outsider and that never really experienced anything as great as this experience has been maybe we can help bro. Bivens with his burden cause i know from experience that alot of older people will listen more if they see youth involved as much as the adults are in church they think if a teenager can struggle through this an dget past the ridicules and still live for god than that maybe itll work for me but maybe if yall want to we go on a saturday with him and go and knock on doors i know that yall have probably done it before but ive been thinkin about it for a while now and i havent said anything cause i dont feel that it has been the right time and after this mornin and last sunday and wednesday i thought it was the right time for me to say somthin cause we all have been bringin guest and theyve been youth so maybe we can bring some adults possibly but think about it and tell me what yall think cause somthin is pullin at me about this and i feel if we do somthin similar to this or this same thing somthin extrodinary will happen cause yall see how church has been goin so just tell me what yall think and get back at me. lUUUUUuuv YAAAAAaaLll ;>

Saturday, March 31, 2007

here is some info on Friesian horses if yall r interested

History and Origin of the Breed

The Friesian Horse originated in Friesland, one of twelve provinces of the Kingdom of the Netherlands (Holland), situated in the northwest of Europe. Friesland is an old country dating to 500 B.C., when the Friesians settled along the cost of the North Sea. They were tradesmen, seafarers, farmers and horse breeders.

The Friesian horse descends from the Equus robustus. During the 16th and 17th centuries, but probably also earlier, Arabian blood was introduced, especially through Andalusian horses from Spain. This has given them the high knee-action, the small head and the craning neck. Because of his temperament the Friesian horse is considered warm blooded. The Friesian horse has been kept free from influence of the English Thoroughbred. During the last two centuries it has been bred pure. Breeding horses and dealing in them was very important for the Friesians. The monks in the many monasteries in Friesland before the reformation did a lot of horse breeding. Through the centuries the Friesian Government has made many regulations in order to safeguard good breeding. Now the Dutch Horselaw of 1939 (modified) gives rules for studbook and breeding.

From records of the past we know that the Friesian horse of old was famous. There is information from as early as 1251 and there are books in which Friesian horses were mentioned and praised from as early as the 16th century.

Armored knights of old found this horse very desirable, having the strength to carry great weight into battle and still maneuver quickly. Later, its suppleness and agility made the breed much sought after for use in riding schools in Paris and Spain during the 15th and 16th centuries. Before an elegant carriage this breed has few rivals, and throughout Europe the royal courts used them as coach horses.

An excellent trotter, the Friesian was used for racing short distances in Holland, the winners being awarded silver or golden whips. Today in Friesland there are may carriage events and often the sjees, the Friesian form of the chaise,are seen. This unique two-wheeled cart may be drawn by one or two horses, and aboard are a gentleman and a lady dressed in the traditional costumes of the 1880s. The sjees is one of the few carriages in which the driver is seated on the left; his lady occupies the right-hand side, the place of honor. Four-in-hand carriages are common and as many as ten-in-hand can be seen in front of light carriages. These large, unusual hitches used for demonstration purposes are becoming very popular. The Friesian people take great pride in the natural ability of their black horse in harness.

The well-known English writer on horses, Anthony Dent, and others are of the opinion that the Friesian horse influenced the Old English Black Horse and the Fell Pony. Dent proposes that the Norwegian Døle (Gudbrandsdal horse), which shows great likeness to the Friesian horse, must have got there from Friesland either as booty or by regular trade. The Northern Swedish horse was greatly influenced by the Norwegian Døle. Dent also suggests a Norwegian influence on the English Dale pony. In the Pyrenees in southern France there is a pony "Ariege called after Merens" (Ariege dit de Merens) that looks remarkably like a small Friesian horse. The resemblance of the types mentioned can be traced back in some cases to the influence of Friesian horses, in other cases the similar way of breeding will have caused the similarity.

As early as 1625 Friesian horses were being imported into what later would become the United States of America. The Dutch founded New Amsterdam in the region they discovered in 1609, but they had to abandon it to the English in 1664, when the name was changed to New York. Advertisements in the papers offer trotters of "Dutch" descent. These must have been Friesian horses. The able writer Jeanne Mellin proposes in her books The Morgan Horse (1961) and The Morgan Horse Handbook (1973) the possibility that this well-known American horse is of Friesian descent. The ability to trot fast, the heavy manes, the long rich tail and the fetlocks at the feet of the original forefather of this breed may be an indication.

The breed was totally lost in North America due to crossbreeding. Tom Hannon of Canton, Ohio did not reintroduce the horse to North America until 1974. By 1983 the popularity of the Friesian in America had grown enough to support a national association and a national show.

With the help of the Friesian Studbook Friesian horses have been imported into Western Germany, Scotland and South Africa (1957-58). The imports into South Africa occurred to improve the type of horse called the Flemish Horse, imported long ago from Belgium. Nowadays this type of horse is not found in Belgium anymore, except when imported from Friesland.

*Adapted from the Summary in English which is part of the Dutch book titled "Het Friese Paard" by G. J. A. Bouma, 1979, and printed by Friese Pers Boekerij, b. v., in Drachten and Leeuwarden, The Netherlands. It is reproduced here with the kind permission of the Friesian Horse Association of North America, the author and Het Friesch Paarden-Stamboek.

Breed Characteristics

Friesian Horses are always black. White markings are not allowed on the body or legs. They have a long, thick, flowing mane and tail and pronounced fetlock hair. Under no circumstance is it permissible to dock the tail of a Friesian and, in fact, trimming of any hair from mane, tail or legs is frowned upon.

The Friesian Horse holds it head high and proud with an arching neck. The animated gait is natural. Selective breeding is used to achieve the active hock action and high, extended from leg action. The body is strong and deep with a sloping shoulder. The rear quarters are sloping with a somewhat low-set tail. Registered Friesian stallions must be at least 15.3 hands by the age of four and mares must be at least 14.3 hands. The mares average about 1300 lbs., more for males.

Breed Organizations

To maintain the integrity of the breed, the Friesian Horse Association of North America (FHANA) working in concert with the original parent organization, the Friesch Paarden Stamboek in the Netherlands strictly regulates the registration of the Friesian Horse. The FPS is the registry for the Friesian horse worldwide. The registry was founded in 1879 and today's Dutch registered horses are the result of over a century of rigorous evaluation and selection of breeding stock. Organizations from other countries may also register Friesian horses, but horses registered with those organizations may not have met the standards of the FPS and therefore the true Dutch Friesian registry cannot recognize the horses. The Friesian Horse Association of North America cannot recognize a horse whose papers are not issued by the Friesch Paarden Stamboek

ive realized it took everyone one but i did

you know ive never really explained what happened last sunday which is bad cause its alittle more important than anything else i had to say it just was when i made this blog i wasnt in a very good mood but N*E*WAZ recieving the holy ghost and getting baptized was the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me i cant really explain it the feeling was incredible and i thought it was going to happen after HYC (which i cant wait)but thats okay u know everything i type is ususally how ifell at the moment but yall im tryin and im not gonna give up i really do thank amy for talkin to me friday night it helped and thn when i got home i went down to my neihbor (i dont really know how to spell that) Amy and i talked to her thats weird i talked to to amys in the same day LOL and it helped alot it made me realize a bunch of things she told me that she can see abig difference in me and to keepgoin and dont givedont listen to everyone has to say about what you doin and she told everything i do i never complete cause of what everyone says well this time i really took everything to heart im not gonna give especially for jessica cause she s done alot of work to get me to where i am now amy also helpd me realize that to.she lso told me to slow down im goin to fast and for some reason i always rush things and i dont mean to maybe thats whats happening here is that im rushin everything i wont take my time but no matter how hard i has been this week im still believein cause its only been a week so shouldnt have the right to give up anyways what i thnik the first week will be the hardest because by the middle of the week u just realized it finally hits u i have this feelin somthin bad and then somthin incredible is goin to happen but im gonna try to have smile on my face this time :)

Friday, March 30, 2007

i dont know

Its not that im shovin it down their throat i dont even hardly talk to them about it but im to the point where i want to give up i wrote this in my testimony that i was going to say and i dont think im going to do it anymore cause im not in the right time anymore but im about ready to give up and this is what i wrote its like ive been this person for so long so how am i really going to change its so hard to do this when u feel like you're in it by yourself and i know that im not in it by myself all the way but this is like the hardest thing ive ever done. Im to the point where everything is finally getting completely layed out and i say to myself this isnt what i bargained for at all to the point where i want to give up but then u stop to look around at your surroundings and u turn the other directiopn about to go back and it says if u turn this way ull give the people u dont want the satisfaction and the people that do want to see u excell are disappointed and then ur disappointed in yourself then u turn around back the other direction and look but it says hard work but victory and glory in the long run. Then u keep going in the right direction and its going good then u run into ridicules, you can't do it, people tellin u its not right. Then u start to doubt it but u still keep goin and people r getin worried cause you're slippin from their grip into somthin better then they throw the hardest one at u so maybe just maybe youll came back they say well look at her she thinks you're gettin to good for your family and all these people care about you and you're just shuvin their face in the dirt like yah yallve hepled me but i dont care when thats not even the case at all and u still try to explain to them i have to find myself and they wont listen to that they say thats an excuse and u dont care and your screamin inside i just need u to understand and again your at a stand point which way do u go its becomin a choice your family that uve never really had and still want to try to make things better or this new life that your family is not even involved in and it takes u futher away from them and it hurts because they dont even know that u care so much because they wont listen. I think thats one of my down falls is that i care so much it almost makes me feel i wish i didnt have any feelings. i havent got any sleep so mind i like this big roller coaster but im tryin even though i just told jessica im gettin to where im not believeing anymore and she said dont start to tell me that and walked away see look at that im even screwin that part up to i guess theres not doubt about it anything i do i always screw everything up and i thought this time it was different but i guess i was wrong i guess i nedd somthin to show me that im doin right really if this is normal to have these feelings .

Thursday, March 29, 2007


What am i doing everybody is proud of me. I cant figure out what they're proud of. I go home and everyone hates me they look at me like im dirt and they tell me what im doin is wrong and it going to hurt me in the long run but what if they're right i know bro. Elms just preached about this last night but how do i really know its real is it really worth all this i have to go through. i fell like im losing my family and those around me well i cant really say im losing my family cause i lost them along time ago but its just makin it worse it was easier when i was doin all the bad stuff i was doin because everyone excepted me maybe not i a good way but they did and i didnt have to haer the greif and the ridicule of them. its so hard and i dont understand why it has to be like this why cant it just be easy for a while. The people who r proud of me and tell me to keep going and those are the people im not even supposed to be talking to i dont know. i wish i could make my mom understand. everything ive done is find a way to get her accteptance a all ive gotten is hatred and everyone tells me to keep going but all i can do is stop and look around its like im stuck i cant turn around and go the other way cause ill let people down and myself but if i keep going foward i move further away from my family and what im tryin to do i move closer to them. its not like im tellin them im gay or somthin like that im just tellin them that i found another way to live and what i thought was a better way to live seems harder than what it really is. im just tryin to tell them to follow and maybe somthin good will happen but all they want to did is tell me how stupid i am and all im doin is thinkin about myself and thats not it at all cause if that was the case i would just forget about them and try to make my life better for myself when i pray, most of the time i dont even pray for myself i pray for their well being and for us to draw closer together and all it seems like its doin is drifting us further apart cause i know my mom doesnt have much time left cause u can tell and i all want is a good relationship for me and her cause we've never had one and it wasnt but maybe a coulpe of weeks ago she said thats what she wanted that we've wasted to much time and just give me another chance and i have ive given her a bunch and it was like she said that stuff just to say it and it didnt mean anything at all. i feel like im just rambleing but when things come to mind like this i just write them down in hope to answer my own qustion cause ive done it before but its not happening.